RULE #1: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you had better be delivering a package, because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.
RULE #2: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will assist you by amputating them.
RULE #3: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please do not take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I will make this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, fall down during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and securely fasten your trousers in place to your waist.
RULE #4: I am sure that you have been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
RULE #5: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information that I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my home, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".
RULE #6: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she has finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
RULE #7: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh nor fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my truck?
RULE #8: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
RULE #9: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted, has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your Universe. If I aske you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, an aim so precise that I can fire a round up a flea's ass at 300 meters, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool;
- Places where there are no parents, fellow Policemen, or nuns within eyesight;
- Places where there is darkness;
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness;
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat;
- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided at all costs, movies which feature chainsaws or good old fashioned gun fights are okay; and
- Hockey games are good, old folks homes are better.
RULE #10: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy on the outskirts of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the vehicle with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your vehicle. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window will be mine.